I have had a bad day.
So I just watched The Human Centipede. Yeah, I know, 2 years after everyone else. Whatever. Today, I felt sufficiently fucked in the head, and made myself watch it. I figured it was a generally bad plan and I would hate it. But I liked that, and so, I watched it.
Biggest disappointment of my life. Here I am, waiting for the emotional trauma and mental scarring, and you know what? IT WAS BLOODY BORING. Why take a film that has so much opportunity to be downright horrific and leave it at borderline horrific?
You ruined my night, writer of The Human Centipede. You’re just not fucked up enough. Sure, the concept is a bit weird. Maybe even a lot weird. But it could have been so much more weird! Not weird enough. Sadface.
Have to admit though, Dieter Laser’s performance as Dr. Heiter is preeeettty good. Really got that mad scientist thing going down. Proper psychopath mad scientist, not weirdly attractive eccentrically dressed scientist. Though you probably got that part from the whole ‘sewing people together at the ass’ thing.
So, the training of the centipede. Heiter’s attempt to train the creature as a dog was downright freaky. Really lets you into the psycho’s mind. Seeing more into his head would have been better, but this gave you a bit of a look. Which is good.
The ending has its perks aswell. *SPOILERS* Heiter’s death: brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. Kudos to him. Being trapped forever and ever with a dead person’s ass in your face and your dead best friend attached to youuur ass: pretty sick.
Should have made more scenes like that, and less scenes like ‘oh dear, I’m pretty and American and I’m going to run around aimlessly in this house’. It seemed not enough of the movie properly played with the concept, or was gory/horrific/scarring enough.
Seriously, going back to drag your unconscious friend? You freakin’ idiot. Scenes going on foreevvverrr of really, really slow crawling? Give me a break.
Don’t get me wrong, I get the whole ‘less is more’ idea. I just prefer ‘more is more’. Basically, not satisfied, but still very much interested. Hopefully the (uncut!) sequel, in all it’s banned-from-the-UK glory, is more impressive.
It seems I raised my expectations too high and consequently watched them crash and burn. Don’t believe the hype.
Also, it rained this morning. Some water fell from a gutter onto myself and my toast, which wasn’t cool. (sadface about the toast)