The Rubik’s Cube

Pain. That is the word I would associate with the Rubik’s cube. I can’t bear to look at a Rubik’s cube that isn’t finished. It just sits there, staring me in the face, willing me to fix it, and you know what? I CAN’T DO IT. I just don’t have that kind of mental power.

ARGH.

And it sits in the back of my mind, that unfinished Rubik’s cube in my bedroom, until I can’t bear it anymore, and i have to subdue to the humiliation that is step by step instructions on the internet.

Now, not only is that on the very top of the I-have-no-social-life scale, but it is a complete WASTE OF SPACE. Why is the internet so full of useless crap and evil people? 😦 Anyway, I recently found myself on a ‘How To Solve Your Rubik’s Cube’ website. I spent hours working through it, fixing my Rubik’s cube. And then this:

EOTGJBNOGTDHOFRJ!

WHAT THE HOLY SMEGGING FUCK. Did Hitler create this website? What kind of evil Rubik’s cube pro would put that right at the bottom of the page? Heartbreaking shit that is. I now sit with my partially finished Rubik’s cube, on the absolute edge of frustration.

So, I scoured the internet, in hope of a website that was not built from hatred and evil. And this is what I discovered:

My Brain Just Exploded

A 5 by 5 Rubik’s cube. Personally, I think that is off the scale. Every scale that was ever invented.  Inventions like that should be thrown straight into the heart of the Sun, and erased from history. I mean really, what could be worse? Well, there’s this…

The Apocalypse

The king of all the cubes of Rubik’s. It’s not even a cube. That bad-boy has 12 faces, and over 1000 moving pieces. I don’t know whether to be impressed, or to rip it to shreds in a wood-chipper, and cast each little scrap into a separate black hole.

After seeing the Rubik’s ball of death over there, I feel especially pathetic for being unable to complete my own, 3 by 3, classic Rubik’s cube. However, shortly after discovering the ball of death, I discovered what I think might be the solution I was searching for.

I Should Have Just Done This In The First Place.

Derren Brown

What can I possibly say about Derren? I love you, Derren Brown.

No Other Human Has Reached This Level of 'Babe-like'

Look at him. Wow. I love his incredibly small beard. I love his beautiful hat and his beautiful face and his pretty little smile. Awh. How adorable is that.

I really really love his show. All of them. Every single one. A particularly memorable moment had to be the Russian Roulette special. What a pro. And the Trick or Treat series was the work of an evil mastermind that God himself could not even begin to comprehend.

No word could describe Derren Brown. I can’t even do him justice. Basically, Derren Brown is the greatest human being on the planet. Case closed.

Shopping Trolleys are the Spawn of Satan

Ah, shopping trolleys. I mean your average shopping trolley, with four wheels and a design which makes a cardboard box look like a smegging jumbo-jet. They are a complete and utter waste of space. I just cannot understand how a supermarket like Asda manages to have a moving staircase, but still use the disgrace to engineering that is the shopping trolley.

The Root of All Evil

Look at that picture. Look at it. You know what that is? BAD. So, let’s say you require something, say, a loaf of bread. You’re walking in the direction of the supermarket, you’re reasonably happy, the sun is shining, and then you hear it – the metallic rattling, screeching wail that is the call of the shopping trolley. I fucking hate that noise. Whenever i approach a shop, and hear that sound, my heart sinks like a stone.

He Dislikes This Trolley So Much, He's BITING It.

And then, as you get a little closer, your fear is confirmed. The entire car park is filled with morons, and their moronic shopping trolleys, like a swarm of angry locusts. Inside the store is even worse. Total chaos. There are hundreds of them, the morons and their trolleys. Trolleys are pretty big, boxy things. And supermarket aisles can be pretty narrow. You basically end up playing a combination of Tetris and Pac-Man. Trolleys are slamming into trolleys until you end up in one gigantic shopping trolley pile up, and some poor kid with a basket is scurrying around amongst the mess, trying to find his mam without being trolley-ed to death. Or, even worse, that poor child is put in the trolley chair. I don’t know about you, but I hated the trolley chair. Hated it.

Virtual Death (I'm pro at this shit)

So, we’ve established trolleys are absolutely shit in shops. Outside of shops? Even worse. A shopping trolley is an environmental hazard people. NOT COOL. They’re everywhere! I’ve seen trolleys in the street, in a river, on a rooftop… There is no escaping the menace. And you know what’s REALLY not cool? Smashing into someone while riding in a shopping trolley. You break someone’s legs in riding in a trolley, then you just leave it. In some ridiculous place. TAKE IT TO A TROLLEY BANK. Seriously.

One of the places I’ve seen a shopping trolley? Bottom of a cliff. Now, the first thing I thought when I saw that, was ‘OMG someone must be dead’. I mean, I can hardly say that someone definitely rode a shopping trolley over a cliff and died… but it’s plausible. Shopping trolley death.

Actual (awesome) Death

Next time you’re trudging through asda with your poorly designed piece of crap trolley, crashing into children, making an unholy amount of noise, I think you should grieve that man. I also think you should take a good look at your trolley. Just look at it. It’s S H I T. Look at the wheels. What the smeg is going on with those? They don’t work. And why do shopping trolleys have huge gaping holes in them? Anything smaller than an orange just commits suicide out of the bottom of your trolley before you reach the checkout. A shopping trolley is a square with wheels and holes. The design is just pathetic, and practically stone-age. Surely someone could have come up with something better.

So, may I suggest you ditch the death-on-a-stick, environmental hazard that is the shopping trolley, and pick up the humble shopping basket. Those guys are pros.

Ah, basket, you are my messiah.

So, after this rather long post, i reach my conclusion.  Basically, basket > trolley. End of story.

Banana Milkshake.

I don’t even like banana milkshake.

Jesus, am i bored. Bored bored bored.

This blogging stuff is shit. I have nothing to say, i’m just waiting for something to occur to me that i want to talk about.

Could there be anything better than pizza and kebab on a Friday night?

I think i worded that wrong. I can think of several things. Pizza and kebab on a Friday night is quite good though.

Still can’t think of a purpose for this blog. And i really want a purpose for this blog. I’d ask for suggestions, but i have no readers. Hmm. This really is shit.

WAIT. A one Rebecca Reed claims she will find and read my blog. I MIGHT HAVE A READER! =]

She says the whole point of blogging is so that people can read it. I think the whole point of blogging is so that sad little internet nerds have something to do with their spare time. And they give you a great sense of purpose and importance. HUHUHUHUHUH.

173 words! Apparently. That’s cool.

I’m fairly sure the song i’m listening to is repeating ‘try to stick a dead body inside of me’. That concerns me a little.

Ah. This is shit.

I’m sure i used to be relatively interesting. Gah. Two-timing touch and broken bones.

I’m gonna become a yoyo pro. Just for a laugh.

And i’m gonna get incredibly upset if something interesting doesn’t happen soon.

I hate my life.

And i still think you’re lovely.